On To More Important Things...

So I've been thinking about this whole BDSM/FemDom stuff - I mean, I didn't even know it existed until November. I had seen it in magazines and in movies but I had no idea that it was a real thing and that real people really did it. Then I started dating this guy and I could tell he was hiding something from me so one night... my last night visiting him in New York to be exact I laid on top of him on the sofa and lovingly demanded to know what he wasn't telling me.

My sex up until that point had always be very basic. Nothing out of the usual... I mean, perhaps it was unusual in that it was so "normal" - there were never any complaints but compared to what's going on it was your basic I fuck you, you fuck me, blow job, go down on me sex. Just kind of basic.

So this guy (that I love) tells me that ever since he was a kid has always fantasized about female domination. That in the past a few of his girlfriends have indulged him a little. He had never gone very far into that world but one girlfriend gave him a collar and a friend of his told me that I'm the girliest girl he's ever dated... and I'm a pretty tough chick so you can imagine.

So I started asking him questions and we stayed up all night and I even did some stuff to him that night. I said "take off your clothes" and I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was kneeling in the center of the livingroom. I started laughing and then realized he was serious so I stopped. Then I sat next to him and rubbed his back and then I put some whiskey in a bowl and told him to drink it like a dog. He loved it. So I took an ice cube out of the bowl of whiskey and ran it down his spine and then put the end of it in his asshole. He loved it. I really didn't know what I was doing but I knew I wasn't going to see him for a while so I figured I'd just do whatever came to mind and see how he reacted. When the taxi came to take me to the airport I said "I want you to get some magazines. I want you to circle pictures of girls you like and I want you to highlight parts of stories that turn you on. I need to see what you're into. (I had no real idea.) I also need you to buy a porn and send it all to me so I can see what we are talking about."

He told me how much he hated himself for having these fantasies. How stupid he felt. How ridiculous it was and how he had thrown out all his porn and stopped doing any FemDom stuff in an attempt to have a normal life. "You can't fight who you are." I told him.

When I got back to LA I got a package that freaked my shit out. I didn't even want to call him. I was horrified by the porn that included women dressing men up in panties and make-up and one even slicing a guys ass with a razor blade. After I read each magazine cover to cover and had watch the porn twice I finally called him to talk about the package. He said that he was so scared mailing it to me. That his heart was racing. Even buying the stuff in the store. As a joke, when I turned to step into the taxi to the air port I turned to him and said... and when the cashier rings you up with your magazines and movies tell him or her "I love porn." I was only kidding but he told me that he did it. He explained that he didn't want to be cut, or shit on... but that the idea of a dominant woman keeping him as a pet turned him on. I went on line and did a bunch of research and sent him links and made him read books on the subject and talk about it. He said he had never talked about it so much in his life. I think he's starting to accept that side of him a little more. He hates it less... I can tell.

A lot of times I don't know what I'm doing. I guess that a lot of this comes naturally to me but at the same time I have no idea. We're making our life up as we go. I don't know what's going to happen or if it will last. We don't even live on the same coast though we see a lot of each other because both of our jobs take us back and forth.

I don't know... I just wanted to start blogging more so I thought I'd write. I don't have much of a point other than it would be nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff that understood.